Embrace The Suck…

My forty-something ex has been hanging out with a twenty-something starlet. He says she’s just a friend. Doesn’t matter, it’s been a while since I’ve cared who he’s with or what he’s doing.

However, today he told me that he and the starlet and my thirteen year old are going to a movie together. Previously, my son has gone on a hike with them and has gone to a dinner party with them and has gone to lunch with them. When I asked if he felt comfortable, my son answered that he is (that’s literally the only question I’ve asked as not to put him on the spot). So, as long as he’s comfortable, I feel inclined to stay out of it.

But, I’m uncomfortable. And I’m not sure why. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I’m uncomfortable until I’ve sorted out my feelings.

On the upside, even under scrutiny, my feelings are not about my ex or any jealousy (hallelujah, I never thought the day would come that I could say that). On the downside, my feelings are about my son and my paranoia about the impression being made on him by another woman. It’s unnerving. And I’m not saying it’s totally founded but the discomfort is there and I think most mothers would feel it.

I also kind of resent, on my son’s behalf, that he can’t get more time alone with his dad. I remember my ex telling me that his own dad never spent time alone with him. He always brought a girlfriend along or invited friends to join. It made my ex think he was not enough. I can shamelessly say that anyone who makes my son feel like he’s “not enough” deserves a swift kick in the nuts pronto. That it’s my ex doing it, the father of my child, the man who knows full well what it feels like, that makes me me sad. Why do we repeat history? Am I doing it too? Without even knowing it? Questions to be pondered another day.

My son wants time with his dad. At his age, if he’s uncomfortable he might not tell me. Maybe he’s fine. I don’t know. I just hate that in order to be with his dad he has to take whatever he can get. And this “girl” friend of my ex. Grrrr – I hope she’s decent and thoughtful and appreciative of her time with my son. I’m doing really well these days. I’m reminded that life is not for wusses, that sometimes things suck and, in divorce, sometimes a lot of things suck. So, I’m not devastated, just chocking the whole “other women around my son” thing up to one of the sucky facets of divorce. I call my strategy, “embrace the suck”… doesn’t make the suck go away but helps me accept what I cannot control and keeps me moving in a positive direction.

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.” – George Orwell

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