Holy shit! I’m making a date. To mediate!

So, in light of all of my recent angst and the ever-mounting signs from the universe that I should finally get my divorce proceedings started, I am making an appointment with a mediator for next week!!!

It’s been over four years since my husband dropped the bomb and after countless, sometimes humorous, more often pathetic, attempts to salvage my marriage, I am finally ready.

I’m terrified. But the lure of autonomy and being “actually divorced” instead of perpetually “about to be divorced” is too strong to resist.

This is going to get interesting.

Will I end up living in my parents’ house? Will I move to a new city? Will work opportunities magically appear because I’m finally on the right track? Will my ex use our kids as emotional pawns? Will it get worse before it gets better?

I have no idea. But I’m going to hang on tight and plow ahead. And I’m going to continue to share my journey here so that I can have an outlet and work through it and especially so that you or whomever can get a good laugh or cry out of it. And maybe someone will read and relate and chime in.

Stay tuned…

Empty Spaces

photo

In the parking lot of my local market, there’s a space that sits directly across from the store’s entrance. It’s a rock star parking space; the kind you tend to get an ego boost from when you’re lucky enough to snag it. Continue reading

Looking back on the day we “told the kids”…

Two little faces, innocent and round. 11am. Awake and alert in anticipation of what that day, that Sunday would bring.

I turned the TV off. “Why?” The boys protested.

“We need to talk to you.” Continue reading

In Divorce, A Broken Heart Is Just The Start…

We’ve all had our hearts broken, haven’t we? Where our chests throb with pain and the agony of withdrawal renders us useless, doomed to a life (though thankfully temporary) of holing up in our beds, eating ice cream (or in the worst cases, not eating at all). Continue reading

Men are Oblivious and Women are Impossible…

Yes, that’s a gross but equal opportunity generalization.

I realize that there are exceptions and nuances in every relationship, but, for the purpose of this conversation, I’d appreciate your acceptance as I generalize a bit.

When I was desperately trying to save my marriage, I went to the best resource on earth, Google, and typed in “Save my marriage.” Continue reading

What was my part? And why it matters …

Woman admiring sunset from mountain topWithout fail when I meet a guy who’s divorced, he refers to his ex as a “psycho” and when I meet a woman who’s divorced, she refers to her ex as an “asshole.” So either there are an excessive number of assholes marrying psychos (quite possible) or there are two sides to every story (even more likely). Continue reading

I didn’t sell my soul…I rented it out for a worthy cause!

In a perfect world, after the arduous task of accepting that my husband was never coming back, I would file for divorce and leap into autonomy with grace and courage.

Alas, I did not construct my life in a way that makes the above scenario very plausible. Continue reading

Anger…uh…What is it good for?

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – unknown (though often attributed to Buddha)

I’m angry. I hate that I’m angry. It doesn’t take a psych degree to know that anger stems from hurt. And my hurt stems from disappointment. And my disappointment stems from unmet expectations…and you know what they say about expectations. Continue reading

Make Every Worry a Wish …

Woman blowing dandelion

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”– Woody Allen

I made one of my resolutions early this year. After the massacre in Newtown, I made a conscious decision to count my blessings. Something internal and unconscious shifted too. Every time I felt the urge to complain or my heart raced with anxiety, an inner censor tugged at me, reminding me … life is short and I have a chance. I have my beautiful healthy children, I have my own health and resourcefulness, I have this moment and the ability to hope for the future. Those luxuries were lost for the parents and families in Newtown. Those luxuries are lost everyday for so many across the globe and right next door. Continue reading

Beyond Humbled…

I can’t shake this sense of grief and preoccupation with the unfathomable loss of the families in Newtown Connecticut.

I will deal with my divorce and my daily life. But, I can’t imagine ever believing that my problems are significant again. Continue reading