I think I’ve found a place to go when life gets to be too much. Where everything is beautiful and to my satisfaction and if it is not, I can change things around and make them just so. I have found inspiration, beautiful men, intelligent dialogue, gardens in bloom, high ceilings, wood floors, concrete counter tops, containers for everything (labeled already), soft textiles, exquisite art, perfect bodies, scrumptious food, outdoor dining, candles lit, step stones and tailored hedges, baby animals and all things cute … every wish, every desire, zero calories in or out. Continue reading
In a comment made on my post Children Need Their Fathers…Duh!, D.A. Wolf of Daily Plate Of Crazy mentioned our “happiness’ culture.” This got me thinking about the quagmire that anyone in the midst of trauma finds ourselves in. We all know the platitudes. We know that everything works out in the end and that a good attitude is key, but we also can’t repress and deny the genuine pain and dis-ease we experience when faced with huge life changes that include upheaval and loss.
Probably the primary triggers of my acute phases of depression have been my realizing that I have failed to stay positive and graceful, I have failed to provide a utopian environment for my children, I have failed to “manifest” all that I desire for my children. This sense of failure is an abusive vacuum that in an instant sucks all hope and innovation out of me. I have learned to recognize when it’s happening and immediately shift my focus. Still most days I ward off feelings of inadequacy not just for failing to create the stable life for my children that I had envisioned but also for failing to buck up cheerfully and be a TEDxTalk sensation by now. Continue reading