For the first time in my life, I am fine with being single. I’ve enjoyed the lack of drama and the ability to spend my free time as I wish, shave when I feel like it (and not when I don’t) and just run my own show.

But, tonight, I caved. I cried. And I realized that, while I don’t miss my ex anymore, I do miss having my family together for the holidays.

Christmas can’t come fast enough. My kids will be with their dad and I, I will either go to a friend’s house or my parents’ house. Hmmm…let’s see, sit around watching an intact family enjoy opening presents together (they do it Christmas eve) or hang out with my parents who will probably fall asleep by 9.

I’m not an asshole. I know how blessed I am and that this is just one rough night. But it’s a doozie. I’m actively trying to find somewhere I can volunteer so I can make myself useful and have a meaningful experience. I’d like to give on Christmas eve. To my surprise, most organizations require some advanced training prior to volunteering, so I may not be welcome.

Oh well, it’s one night. I’ll live through it.

Sometimes, the dreams I have had for my family haunt me with their warmth and tenderness and lack of attainability. No matter what I achieve in my life, I will never have that again. I am grateful I had it before and I am working on creating new dreams and a joyous reality.

As lonely as I am, I know I am not alone and that anyone who has endured divorce or loss of an immediate family member, experiences a great deal of grief and vulnerability during the holidays.

I wish I could hug every one of you and magically make this Christmas merry. 🙂